Memorial Day 2008

This time last year I had just been put on hospital bed rest, unaware that Justin would be born just a few days later. I thought I had moved past the fears that accompanied his birth and NICU stay, but as his birthday approaches I’m realizing that I’m still bitter about a lot of things.

I’m bitter that I wasn’t put on bed rest sooner. I was monitored pretty closely early on in my pregnancy, but I feel like the ball was dropped once I was released to my OB and subsequently seen by a high risk doctor. I’m bitter that I never made it to my 3rd trimester. I’m sure I would’ve complained the entire time, but I never got the chance to complain. I’m bitter (with myself) that the first question I asked once I woke up in recovery after Justin’s birth was “Is he cute?” Obviously that should’ve been the last thing on my mind, but I think I was in denial that he was born, let alone born that early. I’m bitter that I wasn’t able to hold Justin for 3 ½ weeks. I’m bitter that I never got to breastfeed. Justin did receive breast milk his first few months of life, but I never got to enjoy that special bonding and emotional relationship with him.

I’m bitter that this experience makes Carl & I question if we even want more children. I’m bitter that if we do decide to have another child I won’t be able to experience a vaginal birth. Justin’s delivery was an emergency classical c-section, which means my uterus was cut vertically. In short, this means that I will never be able to deliver a baby vaginally for fear that the scar might tear while in labor.

With all that said, this experience has definitely made me much stronger. I am VERY thankful for our little fighter and realize that we are very fortunate that Justin is doing as well as he is.