Another Denial Post

My kids are different. And yes I know I shouldn’t compare but let’s face it, they are. And I think I’ve been somewhat in denial about it all. That was until a few weeks ago.

We’ve been having behavioral issues with Nathan that exceed the typical tantrums. He’s outright defiant and becoming increasingly violent; it started with throwing things, escalated to hitting himself, punching and kneeing doors, kicking in kitchen cabinets and the most recent was somehow managing to punch holes in his bedroom and hallway walls. We sought out the assistance of a behavioral psychologist and after several office visits, an in home visit by a child care worker and a full speech evaluation we were told that our expectations for Nathan are too high. I Immediately became defensive; I don’t think I’m asking too much from my child. But as the psychologist continued to explain it made total sense and I wondered why/how I hadn't realized this sooner, especially considering the fact that he’s in ECSE which means he has an early childhood developmental delay.  Duh Georgina!

Diagnostically Nate is a 4 ½ year old in a 2 year old's body; he’s still a toddler developmentally. And toddlers want to control the whole world, they want things their way, they’re very impulsive, they don’t take the time to think through actions and consequences. Lets now layer on the speech delays and not being fully able to communicate his frustrations. I got so wrapped up in the fact that Nate is speaking clearly and in sentences and is so much further along than J was at this age that I automatically assumed his speech was on track. And the funny thing is it is. But his language is not. He can answer some W questions (what, who) but when it comes to where or why he can’t answer without prompting or echoing.

So Nate started speech therapy two weeks ago. But how did I not think that Justin would benefit just as much from speech therapy when he has the same language issues as Nathan. Not only that but J still has issues with his speech as well. I’ve placed too much reliance on the fact that he’s getting speech in school and the fact that he is improving that I didn’t consider seeking additional help. So we provided Nate’s speech therapist with copies of J’s most recent IEP and evaluations from his teacher, school psychologist and speech therapist so hopefully J will be starting sessions soon.

Another eye opening moment; have you guys heard about the apparently kid?  He’s a 5 year old boy who was made pretty popular after being interviewed by a local news station at a carnival. The reporter kept asking him questions which he clearly understood and responded to appropriately. And it made me realize that my kids are nowhere near that level of comprehension and language. When asked questions they laugh, stare at the person asking the question or repeat the question. It’s hard to get an answer out of them other than yes or no. Not saying that it never happens, because if you read my 5 on Fridays you’re probably wondering what I’m talking about cause it seems like they’re talking up a storm. And they definitely are, it brings a smile to my face to hear them talking more and more. But realistically they are nowhere where they should be at this point.  

Decisions Decisions Decisions

Last week I got a little discouraged when I was talking to friends about their kids preschool experience. I began to doubt the quality of education Justin is getting at his current school and I thought about pulling him out and finding another school. With kindergarten looming right around the corner I wondered if he’d be able to keep up with other kids if their curriculum is superior to the curriculum he is getting. And although we’re not sure that J is 100% developmentally ready for kindergarten we think he’ll be academically above preschool and won’t benefit from a third year. So our hope is to send him to kindergarten, knowing that he may have to repeat it if he’s not ready for the first grade. 

 

Of course that brings up a long list of things to consider; will he be sad when he sees his friends move on to the 1^st grade without him, should he attend kindergarten at another school to alleviate that problem, will repeating kindergarten create confidence issues, should we look into Montessori schools, should he attend a 3^rd year of preschool at a new school with a different curriculum that might better prepare him for kindergarten, should he remain in his current ECDD (Early Childhood Developmental Delay) program or should he join the general student population. 

 

Anyway, I thought about it more and realized that we're not getting daily updates so really we have no clue what J learns every day at school. And it's our fault for not asking. Of course I questioned are we as his parents doing all that we can. So I went back and looked at the monthly newsletters that J’s teacher sends home. It lists things she’d like the parents to go over with their kids to reinforce what they’re doing in the classroom. We’re doing some of them like his ABCs, numbers, and shapes but we haven’t addressed the President, states, or his phone number. His teacher also includes a calendar that has an activity to do daily to supplement concepts learned in the classroom. I’ve done a few but I’m not consistent. 

 

Yesterday I met with J’s teacher to discuss his progress report and some of my concerns. J continues to be at the top of his class and the teacher is very happy with his progress. The biggest hurdle she sees is his speech, although she noted it has improved. She stressed that academically he’s doing really well and knows things that some kindergartners don’t so she feels that once his speech catches up he’ll really take off. She gave me specific examples of how she introduces new concepts in class which eased my concerns that he’s not being held back by the curriculum. She was very open to sending me a weekly overview of what’s taught in class so that we can ask J specific questions about what he’s learning. She also provided me with a class list so I can go over J’s classmates’ names. I wish I would’ve asked for it sooner, especially since I loved that last year J’s teacher sent home a book with a picture of each child with their name so we went over that every night. 

 

The only thing I was disappointed in is the fact that they don’t focus on writing daily since I’ve been told that’s a requirement for kindergarten. But she said that kindergarten is when they start focusing on writing and that J’s tracing skills are good and he’s one of the better tracers in the class. That being said we are doing daily lessons with him; working on activity books to practice his writing, working on sight words, matching, counting and I’ve pinned several activities for him to work on to help get him ready for this next step.

 

Today we went to a preschool open house, on the off chance that J does need another year of preschool at a different school and because Nathan will be starting preschool in the fall.  Tuesday we're attending a kindergarten orientation at J's potential new elementary school and they will discuss kindergarten readiness, the kindergarten program/curriculum and special services.  We definitely need to get as much information as possible so we can make the best decision for J.

2012: The Year in Pictures

January - New Bath Towels (so these were really taken in February but I didn't take ANY pictures in January, go figure)

 

February - Nathan's 2 Year Photo Shoot

 

March - Are They Twins???

April - 1st March for Babies Walk

May - Justin's 4 Year Photo Shoot

June - Father's Day

July - Family Vacation (Chicago)



August - Family Vacation (Kalahari)

September - Fall Fun @ Three Cedars Farm

October - Trick or Treating @ Crossroads Village

November - Family Photo Shoot

December - XMas Morning

The Joys of Home Ownership

A few days after we got back from Chicago we had an issue with the toilet in our downstairs bathroom.  I was getting ready to leave the house when I heard a gush of water.  As soon as I walked into the bathroom I saw water spouting from the toilet.  I immediately tried to stop the water by turning the valve on the bottom of the toilet.  When that didn't work I called Carl.  After I got off the phone with him I tried to turn the valve again but the valve broke and the water started shooting out faster.  I frantically called Carl again and then ran to our neighbor's house to see if he could help.

When I got back the bathroom floor was covered in about a 1/2 inch of water and had started spilling into the hallway, down the basement steps and towards the front door into my office and the living room.  While I waited for my neighbor I called Carl again and he told me to turn the main water line off.  Even after getting the water shut off I had a mini panic attack when my neighbor arrived.

As frustrating as it was I'm just glad I decided to take that day off and was home.  We had to get rid of most of the drop ceiling tiles but the damage could've been far worse had it gone unattended for 5+ hours until we got home from work. 

Are They Twins

So I took the boys out last weekend and I got the dreaded question and I almost answered yes. Now you all know how upset I used to get by this question, especially before Nathan started walking, when clearly there was no way they could be twins when one was walking and one was still in a car seat, come on now people! But now based on appearance they definitely could pass for twins. And honestly, even developmentally they’re pretty close so I thought it'd be fun to do a comparison for you guys. 

Weight: Justin - 25 lbs & Nathan - 30 lbs

Length: Justin - 35 inches & Nathan - 35 inches

Clothes: Justin - 24 months/2T & Nathan - 2T/3T

Shoes: Justin - 6/7 & Nathan 7/8

Diapers: Justin - Pull Ups 2T/3T & Nathan - Size 5

At 2 years

· Jump, run and climb the stairs – Justin & Nathan

· Sometimes use 2 word sentences – Justin & Nathan

· Often do opposite of what’s asked – Justin & Nathan

· Refer to self by own name - Neither

· Show affection by returning a hug or kiss – Justin & Nathan

At 3 years

· Talk and usually be understood – Justin & Nathan

· Use three word sentences – Justin (sometimes)

· Pedal a trike - Neither

· Kick a ball – Justin & Nathan

· Copy drawing a straight line - Neither

· Name 6 body parts - Justin

· Play with other children – Justin & Nathan

Wits' End

I really thought we had gotten past Justin's sleeping COMPLETELY naked phase.  Especially after what I thought was our secret weapon (DJ Lance costume) kept J in his PJs for 4 nights straight.  But that was short lived; last night I walked into J's room only 5 minutes after putting him to bed to find his onesie, pajamas, diaper and DJ Lance shirt all on the floor.  We've tried everything; putting his clothes on backwards, putting on multiple layers of clothes, taping him into his diaper and finally last night we taped him into a onesie.  I figured there was no way he could get out of that when he was taped into it like a harness and couldn't access the snaps. But Houdini managed to wiggle out of that and the diaper.  And I wouldn't mind so much if he was potty trained; at least then I wouldn't find him in a soaked bed in the morning, requiring me to give him a bath and wash his sheets every day.   

2011: The Year in Pictures

January - Snow Days



February - Nathan's 1st B-Day



March - Justin's Basketball Hoop



April - Outdoor Fun



May - Justin's 3rd B-Day



June - Family BBQ



July - Up North



August - Family Vacation (Myrtle Beach)



September - Our New Home



October - Family Photo Shoot



November - Nathan's New Slippers



December - Happy Holidays!

Failure

This morning I met with the speech therapist at Justin's school. Long story short J's language development is the equivalent of a 21 month old; J is 41 months so that's about a 1 1/2 year delay, OUCH!!! I couldn't help but feel like a complete failure after hearing that. Especially considering J had a speech evaluation last year which put him at about the same delay. Perhaps I was in denial a year ago; after all the therapists only have one 30-45 minute session to evaluate him and in both cases J didn't do half of the stuff we know he can do. And after last year's evaluation I discussed the results with J's Early Intervention teacher who works with him weekly and she didn't feel that his delay was that severe. Between her weekly sessions and us working with him regularly at home we didn't feel the need to rush to therapy but now I'm second guessing that decision. I know I shouldn't compare but I look at other preemies, all born around the same gestational age as J, whose language has just really taken off and I can't help but wonder what I did wrong.

But after talking to Carl and a couple of friends I've realized I can't let this get me down. On the bright side J's expressive language (use of words and sentences to communicate thoughts, needs or wants) is only slightly below average. It's his comprehensive/receptive language (process of understanding what is said) that really brought his score down so we discussed her goals for him. Two of them are things that J is already doing but he didn't show during his evaluation so the therapist said she will adjust the goals accordingly once they get into their sessions. One of them was something Carl and I had already identified so at least we're on the same page there. The last two were things that I've actually never considered or thought about but now realize are key to his development so I'm glad she'll be working with J on them. She gave suggestions on things for us to do at home, some of which we're already doing so we just need to continue with what we've been doing even though it doesn't seem like it's helping. The therapist will provide weekly updates on what they worked on during the week so we can reinforce things at home. So we have a plan; the hope is that we'll see significant improvement by the end of the school year.

On another note, I finally got a chance to see J with his classmates while I waited for the speech therapist. Since there are some kids that get dropped off and others that ride the bus the preschool kids wait in the hallway with the teacher and her aide to give everyone enough time to get in the building and to let the older kids get into class. Once everyone is rounded up they walk in a line (follow the blue line on the floor) to the classroom. Justin was 2nd in line and walked to class on his own; his teacher was at the middle of the line and the aide was at the back. It's so simple but I was so proud seeing him walk to class.

After the meeting I peeked into the classroom; they were wrapping up breakfast and most of the kids were still at the table eating while a few kids sat on the floor reading. Even though the door was open I couldn't see J but I didn't want to just walk into the classroom and disrupt things. But the aide saw me and told me to go ahead and peak my head around the corner since J was off to the side where I couldn't see him. He was sitting, well more like hanging off the chair with a spoon in his mouth and he saw me but he didn't smile, cry, get up, nothing so I just turned around and left. I didn't see much but it was nice to see nonetheless since we don't get the opportunity to observe or participate in classroom activities.

More Kids

Like most couples Carl and I discussed kids before we got married. Carl only wanted one child. I on the other hand did not want an only child and always said that if we had 2 of the same sex I'd be willing to try a 3rd time to get the opposite sex. So we compromised on 2.

Now that we have two boys we're often asked "when are you going to try for a girl?" Every now and then, whenever I see a newborn, I start to daydream about having another baby. But then I think about how much work it is with Justin and Nathan and I quickly snap out of it. Soon after we had Nathan Carl told me he was shutting down production like GM did Pontiac. But two weeks ago Carl admitted to me that he was holding Ariana and started thinking about how nice it would be to have a girl.

That being said, we both agreed that unless there was a way you could guarantee that we'd have a girl then neither of us was willing to take the chance. Don't get us wrong, we love our boys to death but we don't want three boys. Besides, with all the medical problems I've had and after two premature deliveries it's probably best not to press our luck.

But I'm not going to lie, I feel like I'll be missing out. No cheer leading, dance recitals, playing dress up, painting nails/putting on makeup, planning a wedding, being in the delivery room when she has her own kids. Yes I know that none of that is a given just because I have a girl but I'm basing my expectations on how close I was/am with my mother. So looks like I'll be a football, soccer, karate, baseball mom and hope my boys will still want to hang out with their mom when they're older.

Dear Nathan

I get that you love Cheerios and yogurt but a growing boy needs to eat some meat, vegetables, and fruit.  Don't get me wrong, your efforts when it comes to eating breakfast haven't gone unnoticed.  I love that you're now eating breakfast bars and toast and I was ecstatic when you willingly ate half a waffle for breakfast Saturday and then a whole pancake on Sunday.  But those foods aren't too far from your food MO; you know you love snack and bread based foods.  So I REALLY need you to be more open minded to trying new foods.  Macaroni and cheese, spaghettios, cream of broccoli soup, chicken nuggets, meatballs, green beans, corn would all be a good start.  I don't think that's too much to ask of a toddler.  But hiding food in your high chair to make me think you've eaten it or hoarding food in your mouth only for me to find it when I brush your teeth, it's smart but sneaky.  You have to stop getting mommy's hopes up!  

On the road again

I've been seizure free for 6 months so my driving restriction is FINALLY over and I can't tell you how great it feels to get my freedom back. After 10 months of no driving I now realize how much of a privilege driving is.  It's been so nice to come and go as I please; not having to sit and wait to be picked up in the morning or waiting for a co-worker to wrap up a conference call before leaving the office for the night.  I took for granted the small things, like running errands during lunch, picking up groceries on my way home from work, running out at the drop of a dime to pick up something, etc.  Being able to drive definitely came in handy last week when I had a lot of last minute things to do to get ready for Nathan's party.  Can you tell how excited I am???

Taking care of mommy

A seemingly innocent pimple turned into a very painful, swollen and infected abscess, landing me in the ER yesterday.  I first noticed it about a week ago but didn't think much of it.  Several days later my elbow started hurting but again, I didn't think much of it since the pimple was in an awkward spot and had been aggravated by either me bumping against a wall or the boys inadvertently kicking me during diaper changes.  I started getting a little nervous Saturday when I noticed some swelling and redness on my lower arm, but I dismissed it thinking that it was a spider bite.  So I started some home remedies and hoped it would go away on it's own.  By Tuesday the pain had spread both down my arm and up into my armpit so I planned to go to urgent care after work.  But at the insistence of a friend at work I left work early and headed to the ER.  And it was a good thing I did because my white blood count was elevated and had I waited any longer I would've been hospitalized with a septic infection.  So I definitely learned my lesson; I have to start taking better care of myself, not only for me but for my 3 favorite men. 

Do You Judge?

Several weeks ago a friend posted to her blog that she was having nap issues with her daughter and asked for suggestions on getting her daughter into a nap routine/schedule.  In my comment I mentioned that I let Nathan cry it out; by no means was I telling her to try it if she wasn't comfortable with it, just what worked for me.  I know a lot of people don't believe in that method so I gave her other suggestions.  A few days later someone replied to my comment and said that the cry it out method is wrong on so many levels and insinuated that I'm cruel because I let my baby cry when they need me. 

Initially I was very offended by this stranger's comment but after I settled down it got me to thinking.  People often jump to conclusions without knowing the full story. Have you ever seen a baby with no socks or shoes, hat, or gloves on in the dead of winter and wonder why?  Maybe the parent did in fact put those items on and the child took them off.  I know my kids don't like wearing socks/shoes/gloves and although I put them on it doesn't always mean that they'll stay on.  Have you ever seen a child throwing a tantrum and the parent does absolutely nothing?  Maybe that child has a disorder or developmental issues.  You just never know; everyone has their own history. 

I know I get judged on a lot of things.  When Justin was born we were very diligent with limiting his exposure to germs; people often questioned us and thought we were being overly protective.  As he got older people asked "Why aren't you giving him water, why is he still drinking from a bottle, why isn't he eating table food"?  We've always been judged on Justin's size.  I used to always add that he's a preemie to minimize the questioning stares when asked how old is he, but after a point you start to get tired of explaining yourself. 

Now that I'm a mother I try not to judge but I admit that I'm still guilty of it. It's only human, and given that we all grew up with different backgrounds it makes sense that people will have different parenting styles.  You may not always agree, but in the end, unless a child is being physically harmed, you have to believe that parents are doing what they feel is in the best interest of their child. 

So what do you get judged on?

SIDE NOTE:  After speaking with a friend I learned that the traditional cry it out method is actually pretty strict, so what I did was a tamer version of it.  Now I don't feel I owe anyone an explanation for how I raise my children, but in case anyone's curious, here's what I did with Nathan.  I'd lay him down in his crib, awake, and when he started crying I’d wait about 5-10 minutes before going in to check on him. And when I did I wouldn’t pick him up, I just rubbed his back or patted his butt to get him to calm down. Then I'd leave and if he started crying again I waited a little longer, maybe 15 minutes before going in to check on him again. I didn't let him cry for hours on end as some might think.  And before I lay him down I made sure that he was fed and had a clean diaper, so I knew that when he cried there was nothing wrong other than just wanting to be held or rocked to sleep.

Finally

a stranger who has some common sense.

Cashier at Meijer: How far apart are they?

Me: 20 months. You're the first person to ask me that; everyone always asks if they're twins.

Cashier: No, I can clearly see a difference.

Me: Thanks

You all know this is my biggest pet peeve. If people just took 15, maybe 30 seconds to really observe they'd notice that Justin is taller, is talking and is more advanced developmentally.  Justin and Nathan may be wearing the same size clothes, but Nathan's clearly still a baby.  So today I was pleasantly surprised that someone FINALLY paid attention.

Shopping with Kids

Shopping with kids is definitely not for the faint of heart; especially when you're shopping alone.

Man at Target: Good luck! (this was while I was fixing a bottle for Nathan and both boys were fussing)
Me: Thanks

Lady at grocery store: I don't know how you girls do it but I have nothing but admiration for you.
Me: Thanks, but honestly I don't know how we do it either.

I wonder if she says the same thing to everyone she sees at the grocery store with kids. And if I'm having this hard of a time with 2, how do parents of 3 or more handle grocery shopping alone?

With one baby in the seat of the buggy and another standing in the basket I quickly run out of room for food. No wonder I end up at the grocery store every weekend, sometime every other weekend IF I'm lucky.

How can he relax with so little space???

 Justin trying to eat the apples (for the record, these are grapes, lol)

 Nathan playing with the paper towel

Denial

Okay, so I'm still coming to grips with the fact that Nathan is bigger than Justin  The rational part of me says "just get over it already; he's doing great (all things considered)".  But the emotional part of me is bummed that my 10 month old is bigger than my 2 1/2 year old.  I mean, that's just not normal.  But that's the issue; nothing about this is normal at this point and you'd think I'd realize that by now.  But no, instead I'm in denial. 

I'm in denial that Nathan no longer fits in his infant carrier.  I bought him a convertible car seat last week BUT I haven't brought myself to put it in the car yet.  Never mind the fact that it's really too tight for him and as a result it takes way too much time to snap him into the car seat. 

I'm in denial that Nathan is wearing size 5 diapers.  I bought them BUT they've been sitting in the box.  And even when Carlene opened them up and started using them I went out of my way to use/find size 4 diapers. 

I'm in denial that Nathan needs to be bumped up completely to 18 months.  I can't handle my boys wearing the same size so I'm bumping Justin up to 24 months. 

I know this probably all sounds crazy and I know many of you will tell me it'll be alright.  And rationally, I know it will.  But there's no telling a mom of a micro preemie that it'll be alright and her actually listening.  I'll come to that realization on my own, hopefully soon. 

SIDE NOTE:  Why am I crying as I re-read this post?  I guess unless you're a mom of a preemie you'll never really fully understand. 

2 months down, 2 to go

One of my biggest fears came to fruition Sunday, it snowed AND I had to shovel (gasp). Let me preface this conversation with 1) we have a snow blower but Carl rarely uses it, he claims it’s not working and 2) before Carl left he arranged to have our neighbor’s son shovel for me. So when it started snowing Sunday I called my neighbor and he confirmed that his son was home so he was going to call him and tell him to go outside and shovel. I was out shopping but when I got home that evening our driveway hadn’t been shoveled yet. I probably should’ve waited to see if he was going to do it, but at that point it was already dark and I didn’t want to chance it not getting done and having to wake up early in the morning to do it. An hour and a half later and I'm sore, freezing, and have soaking wet hair and pants. I immediately called my father-in-law and asked him to come get our snow blower and have it fixed because I am not going through that again.

I was also worried about handling the boys all on my own. One positive is that since Carlene is living with us I don't have to worry about daycare drop off and pick up. But when I get home from work she's off the payroll and it's just me and the boys. By the time I get done with dinner and baths I'm exhausted and there's very little down time. Although I'm quickly realizing there’s no such thing as down time when you’re a parent, let alone a single parent which is in essence what I am for the remainder of this deployment. But I’m really missing the shared parenting responsibilities. Carl and I have a good thing going; we have assigned days for primary parenting responsibilities. Meaning that parent is responsible for all diaper changes, feedings, baths, bedtime, etc. Not to say that we don't spend time with the boys on our "off" day; we still eat dinner as a family, play with the boys and help out with anything as needed. But it allows each of us to get personal or household things done without having to worry about attending to the boys needs. So 2 months down, 2 to go. Is it February yet, we're exhausted?

Are they Twins, Take II

Stranger: Are they twins?
Me: No
Stranger: Oh, so they're 9 months apart?
Me: No, they're actually 20 months apart
Stranger: Really (with a puzzled look on her face)

I guess she figured there was no other explanation for brothers to be the same size. But the puzzled looks and questioning stares when I say "NO" are getting old, so going forward I'm just going to say yes when people ask me if they're twins.

1 Month Down, 3 More to Go

A month into Carl's deployment and I finally got some much needed me time. Yesterday Carl's aunt watched the boys while I got my hair done and then a friend picked them up and kept them overnight so I could go to my brother in law's wedding reception. And although this is not my first time away from the boys I was much more emotional and started crying this morning while I was waiting for them to come home.

Perhaps it's because this deployment is vastly different from the last. Last time around I was pregnant with Nathan, and although still dealing with morning/all day sickness, I only had to take care of one child. Fortunately I was on leave from work for the majority of the deployment so I didn't have to worry about working full time and taking care of J. And I was very fortunate that Lalla & Richard were able to keep J every weekend to give me a break.

Timing wise this deployment worked in our favor since Carlene has moved in, so at least I'm not alone. But, this time around I'm working full time and taking care of 2 boys. And since Ariana's arrival I've lost my designated baby sitter(s). Add on top of that not being able to drive and it makes for a less than ideal situation; one that's actually become quite stressful. Of course my family, friends and co-workers have really stepped up to the plate, offering rides to and from work, to dr's appointments and running errands. But I feel like such a burden. And even though I got some alone time this weekend, not being able to drive made it a logistical nightmare.

So 1 month down, 3 more to go (that's assuming Carl's deployment isn't extended).

Are They Twins

At this point I'm pretty used to getting that question whenever Carlene and I are out together with the boys. And I get it; after all, J and AJ are the same size. Actually no, AJ's now bigger than J, but that's a sore subject so we won't go there.

But what I don't get are the comments we get from people when we say no, they're cousins: but they look so much alike, but they're the same size, are you sure?. Why is it so hard to believe that cousins can look alike when their moms ARE twins. Why is it so hard to believe that 2 sisters could be pregnant at the same time and have kids that are the same age. And the last comment really baffles me; why in the world are you asking me if I'm sure. I think I'd know if I had carried and given birth to twins. The more observant ones will comment "oh yes, he(J)is more advanced developmentally", but that's rare that someone pays that close attention.

P.S. Why do people ask if the boys are triplets??? I can understand AJ and J, but Nathan. Come on now, he's not even walking.